What club is this?  It’s the I-lost-a-baby/miscarriage club.  Did you know this is common for first time pregnancy? October of 2011, I was pregnant.  I was around 5/6 weeks.  My original thoughts were to wait till after my first trimester to tell people but we ended up telling my family and close friends.  It was really hard to keep a secret!

A week or so after we told people, my husband and I went for another ultrasound. It is Wednesday, November 9.   I was so excited.  Maybe we can see what Peanut looks like now!  Peanut is what we nicknamed the baby.  I originally came up with the idea of Alien but my husband gave me a funny look.

Our original doctor that we were seeing was out of town, so we met with someone else along with a couple of students in who were in their doing their residencies.  And that’s when the fucking bomb was dropped.

My husband and I were in shocked and I started to cry.  We got fucking blindsided.

The doctor that we met was under the impression that we knew…it would seem our original doctor had left notes that mentioned that there was a good chance that my pregnancy was false.  Why didn’t he tell us this so that we were better prepared?  The last time I saw him he was optimistic and it didn’t seem like we had anything to worry about. It turned out I had a blighted ovum.  Think of an egg that had no yolk.  I had the sac that was growing but no baby inside.

The doctor gave us our options. We could: wait it out and eventually miscarry, take a pill, or have a D&C.  I couldn’t think. I was devastated.  The doctor said he would have someone call the next day and if anything get bloodwork done now in case I wanted to have the procedure.

I sat in the room crying waiting for the nurse, and people are walking by me.  I told my husband to go the desk and pay our co-pay.  The nurse came in after I sat there for 10 minutes.  She asked what was wrong.  How did she not know?  Did she not know why I was there? I said “I’m not pregnant anymore.”  Damn, did that hurt to say that out loud.  My husband was standing there and getting upset and frustate on how long it was taking.  Finally, she got started.  But then ended up having trouble and she started to poke around with the needle looking for a vein.  She does this as I continue to cry.  She finally gives up and goes for the other arm.  Finally, it’s done and my husband and I head out. We originally drove separately.  He called into work and I told him to call my friend Matt to inform my work.  (It’s nice having a friend that works where you do).

I managed to drive myself home.  I went upstairs to the bedroom and crawled under the covers and continue to cry.  My husband comes upstairs and holds me.  After a couple of hours, we talk.  He would be the one to tell people what happened.  What an awesome husband I have.  We decided to have the procedure.  There’s no way I could wait and I hear the pill can be traumatic.

Having something like this happen…well it fucked with my mind.  My emotions were overboard. Although, it probably didn’t help that I was hormonal.  I felt helpless and that it was my fault cause I didn’t do something.  One of the things that irked me was the responses.  There are some things that I didn’t need to hear, such as “Oh, it will be okay.”, “Technically, you weren’t pregnant cause there was no baby” or “You will get pregnant next time.”

Hearing all of this put me into a rage.  I was so fucking sad and mad. How do you fucking know if I will be pregnant next time?  And what do you mean it will be okay?  It’s not like I fucking lost at poker.  And what happens if I do miscarry again? Then what?  Why would I want to go through that again?

I hate being so sensitive.  I know people mean well, but still.  Now when I hear the phrase “Don’t be so sensitive,” I get sad and angry.

Two days later after we found out about the blighted ovum, I had my D&C procedure.  Friday, November 11 – A day that I won’t forget.  A few days later I ended up back in the hospital due to stomach pains.  Not because of the procedure, but because of the pain meds they gave me.

I wasn’t able to talk about what happened for a two months.  It is only now that I am able to write this and not get upset.  Funny thing, I started to write this post on 1/3/12 and it is only now that I was able to finish and publish this.